This week Congress passed legislation to save the American public months of agony and bitter feelings by moving up the next Presidential election to May, 2024. Yup, for one time only, the election is six months early. Last week, cringing at the specter of a brutally long Presidential campaign, millions of Americans cried, “I can’t take a whole year of this!” Today, we have relief.
Both political parties are confident that the public will embrace the new May election date. I’m a Biden supporter, but everyone can see that he’s lost some vigor. Whether the election is May or November, is he strong enough to win?
One factor supporting the May election is that we already know the two finalists. With the clear rematch of Biden and Trump – other contenders are wild longshots – we can speed things up. There’s another good reason for the earlier date: each candidate is 102 years old. We gotta get them moving-moving-moving so they don’t fall asleep, or worse.
Also, one of the candidates is facing 412 criminal charges. Some argue that this fact shouts out for keeping the election in November. But Democrats in Congress readily say it: Trump would be a stronger candidate from prison. Said one Senator, “Trump won’t be the first inmate to cast himself as a persecuted victim. But he plays the victim with such flair and zest – he’s a virtuoso victim! For now -- no jail for Donald – we gotta keep him breathing fresh air.”
And so we dash to spring. Just how does this new election plan work? For both parties, on tap in April is a token two-week primary season. You can guess the winners. Then in May comes an important hitch, a new type of election. In its statement, Congress said, “If these two guys are going at it again, we need a major change.”
While some in Congress proposed a steel cage match for the feisty duo, cooler heads prevailed. Instead, on one night in mid-May, Trump and Biden will hop on stage for a special contest, a televised Comedy Duel. In this match of dueling jokes, each man will do his best to skewer and gleefully mock his wretched, unqualified, and crooked opponent. A few gag topics: quality napping on the job, the joys and benefits of being completely self-absorbed, and “Improve your hoarding at Paradise Mara Lago – you can never have enough boxes of important stuff.”
After each joke, viewers nationwide will rate the joke 1 to 10, and punch that number in to the Presidential Comedy Command Center. Voting factors include poise and spirit. And the golden rule – don’t laugh at your own punch line, Bub. On stage, it’s 14 jokes for each guy, with a moderator stopping the action if a candidate ditches the script and just starts rambling.
If my man is Joe Biden, why am I serene and confident about this election by joke duel? It’s the ego factor. Biden, with normal ego, will hire talented comics to write great material. Even with a stumble or two, he’ll be fine. But Trump, with supercharged ego, will brush off any assistance and write his own jokes. He’ll be not so fine. Like the annoying bully you disliked in 5th grade, Trump is good at making up labels – Little Marco, Sleepy Joe. But jokes are different. They demand cleverness and timing – a lighter touch – while Trump is a sledgehammer. On stage, Trump will give his all, but crumble under the weight of his own ego. When the nationwide Comedy Duel votes are tallied, we will once again have Joe Biden as the clear winner.
With this nice and early Presidential Comedy Duel as the great decider, we Americans are witnessing the most brilliant Congressional act in ages. Could it be a fine, agreeable 2024? With the Comedy Duel, we’ll have a merry month of May, and then, if the slings and arrows don’t cream us, we can all enjoy a refreshing summer.
Essayist Jim Crowe is an Albany Resident
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