My son-in-law Henry has a way of posing profound philosophical questions masquerading under the guise of the everyday, the commonplace. Or maybe they’re just profound to me. Recently, he solicited my opinion about the correct number of pillows that a bed should have. Little did I know it at the time that he was in the throes of a dispute with his wife, my daughter Gracie, about the appearance and comfort of their bedroom.
Apparently, their bed boasted eight pillows which Henry thought four too many. “The core difference between us,” my daughter explained when I asked for her side of the story, “is that he’s function above all else and I’m form and function.”
Several of those pillows were decorative throw pillows, as opposed to sleeping pillows. It may be too soon in this tale to digress but Gracie acquired the pillows from her mother who has a weakness for bargains at outlet stores. I’ve tried fruitlessly over the years to explain to her — Deborah, my wife, not Gracie my daughter — that just because the price tag says something like $200 or $2,000 marked down to twelve dollars doesn’t make it so. The retailer is free to write anything they want in order to reel you in.
For the record, my efforts to shed truth on this manipulative practice has had no discernible effect on my wife’s purchasing habits. She believes that the amounts of money are sufficiently modest that it’s hard to go wrong. The result is lots of throw pillows and area rugs that once in situ, decoupled from the adrenaline rush of shopping, produce, if not buyers remorse, an instant hand me down. Hence, Henry’s dilemma.
Even before my son-in-law posed the question the issue had been rumbling around the back of my mind. To be specific: how many pillows and of what consistency are right for sleeping; also whether throw pills are a scourge on civilization? Let me address the latter question first. I’m not against decorative pillows per se. Tastefully done I believe they can enhance a bed and a room’s appearance. But what are you supposed to do with them when it gets down to the serious, nonnegotiable business of sleeping?
I just faced that question on a ski vacation in Utah. My bed at the lodge where I was staying came with a couple of oversized designer pillows that arguably flattered the room — they even served as an aesthetic counterpoint to the alabaster ski slopes rising outside the room’s picture windows. But they played no useful purpose come bedtime. Indeed, they were an obstruction; so large that if I’d tried to incorporate them into the ensemble of normal sized pillows I’d have spent half the night struggling to summit the stack rather than getting a sound night’s sleep. In the end, I tossed them into the space between the bed and window.
By the way, a separate but related and equally annoying issue are couch pillows. Again, they may look flattering but it’s not too long before they start to crowd out the sitter. If it’s your own home you’re free to order them off the couch — and that goes for the dog, too; dogs in my experience love snuggling with throw pillows — but if you’re at someone else’s home to do anything beside subtly try to nudge them aside feels like a criticism of your host’s taste.
Finally, there’s the question of the right number of sleeping pillows on a bed. After decades of experience I’ve come to the conclusion the correct answer is three — per person. In other words, six pillows if we’re talking about a double, queen or king-sized bed; three if it’s a single bed. You need two pillows to sleep and one additional pillow for non-sleep related challenges, such as reading in bed. The third pillow also comes in handy to place over your head when random noises, whether vociferous birds in the country or ambulances and sanitation trucks in the city, awaken you prematurely and you want to block out the world and go back to sleep.
That extra pillow may also prove useful if you awake to find the nation in the throes of a Constitutional crisis but you don’t feel like confronting it until you’ve had your morning coffee.
While I consider three pillows ideal there’s no right or wrong answer about how you’re supposed to deploy your pillows. My spouse often places one under her stomach, which is her business. Pretty much anything is acceptable if nobody is harmed in the service of a good night’s sleep.
Ditto the debate — if there hasn’t been a debate perhaps there ought to be — about whether hard or soft pillows are superior. I can appreciate the luxury of 100% goose down or feathers but you can find yourself sinking so far into the pillow that there’s nothing left between you and the mattress. I prefer synthetic pillows that provide better support.
And what’s the ideal size and length of a pillow? It boils down to being able to show the pillow who’s boss. The world offers up enough woes without you having to wrestle a pillow into submission. Finally, if you’re sleeping with a partner pillows provide a diplomatic way to establish a buffer zone between that two of you without hurting anybody’s feelings if one of you is a restless sleeper. Yet even excess pillows thrown on the floor can serve a useful purpose. If your partner pushes you out of bed, whether accidentally or on purpose, pillows will break your fall.
Ralph Gardner Junior is a journalist who divides his time between New York City and Columbia County. More of his work can be found in the Berkshire Eagle and on Substack.
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