A holiday season “evergreen,” a story that you can roll out year after year, at least during these tumultuous times, involves political differences among friends and family members and tips on how to defuse or avoid them. I haven’t noticed any such conflicts in my immediate family. That’s because most of us are on the same page and also because — probably at some cost to my psychological, financial, career and spiritual development as a spouse, father, friend and worker — I avoid conflict at all costs.
Nonetheless, not everybody is as quarrel-averse as I am. So I’d like to share a game I invented — it’s not really a game in the sense that there’s no game board, pieces, fake money or even rules — that I find never fails to provoke a positive, engaged response; whether the players have known each other their whole lives or are meeting for the first time. It’s also a great ice-breaker at cocktail and dinner parties.
I call it “If you could have only one kind of (fill in the blank) for the rest of your life what would it be?” Allow me to offer an example. Beverages. If you were restricted to a single drink for the remainder of your days trodding this sodden soil what would you choose? If you’re a wine lover you might say a serious Bordeaux or sprightly Beaujolais. Beer drinkers might select a craft brew or some insipid lite beer. At least one of my otherwise sound sons-in-law favors this beverage category for some unfathomable, insane reason.
I’m trying to limit my intake of soda pop. But if my body is depleted and in need of an instant sugar rush I find that nothing hits the spot quite like an ice cold Coca-Cola. I know Coke eliminated cocaine from its formula in 1903. But you could have fooled me.
Yet none of those is the correct answer. Actually, this game has no correct answers, which makes it so friendly. But choosing beverages as the category is sort of a trick question. Because, obviously, the answer is water. It’s required to survive. Water isn’t sexy but, as restorative as ginger ale when you come down with the flu or food poisoning, its exclusive use is probably going to kill you.
How about fruits and vegetables? If you could pick only one vegetable to nosh on forever what would it be? It occurs to me that this is a potentially depressing game. Who would want to be confined to one of anything forever? Whatever. Tomatoes would have to be up there. Avocados have a passionate following. Kids seem to love carrots. I think we can rule out broccoli and green beans, though both have their place. Frankly, I’m going with onions. They’re packed with flavor, versatile, and seem the perfect dance partner to any kind of meat.
Speaking of meat. That’s a tough one. Beef, chicken or pork? I’m also throwing fish into this category. I don’t envy you your decision. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go with chicken. I realize it’s the safe choice. But again, beef and pork would get old quick if you were staring at it on your plate at every meal.
Fruits? That’s also a challenge. I happen to believe that nothing exceeds the nirvana of a perfectly ripe, sweet, fragrant orange peach. But how often do you encounter one? Peaches, in my experience, more often disappoint than live up to expectations. Same thing with pears. A ripe, sugary pear is an out-of-body experience, both succulent and tactile on the tongue. Yet you have to wait days for pears to ripen and I have better things to do.
Apples? A crisp apple tells autumn’s tale in every bite but, with all due respect to my cousin who suffers from an apple fetish, how often does an apple amaze? Bananas are kind of blah. Grapes are great but inconsistent.
Strawberries vs. raspberries? Is there any doubt? A sweet sun-soaked strawberry fresh off the vine is a wondrous thing. But strawberries are sort of the Wal-Mart, lowest common denominator, of berries. With their seeds on the outside the strawberry’s appearance is straight out of a fairy tale. But can anyone honestly contend that it possesses the demure sophistication, the floral notes, of a raspberry?
You probably see by now that you can play this game using just about anything. Power tools. Favorite painters. Even favorite paint color. I sometimes wonder if I had to live anywhere on Earth for the rest of my life but could never leave that place, what nation would I select? The United States remains my first choice but, given the state of play, exile is not an entirely hypothetical question.
I’d hate to go without Paris forever. I’d want some of my ashes scattered in the Swiss Alps. Great Britain seems like a logical choice. We share a common tongue. But it remains an island and I’m not sure I want to live on an island for the rest of my days. My wife, who spent her junior year abroad in Denmark, suspects that tidy, hygge nation offers contentment. However, I’m going with Italy.
We once drove from Switzerland into Italy with our infant daughter. The Swiss are pleasant enough but they didn’t make a big deal over the baby, not that I consider that disqualifying. As soon as we emerged from the Great St. Bernard tunnel into Italy we stopped at a roadside pizzeria. Our waitress took our order only after she finished kissing the baby’s feet. The pizza was also excellent. I fully understand if you don’t want strangers kissing your baby’s feet. But the gesture seemed to say everything you need to know about Italy.
Ralph Gardner Junior is a journalist who divides his time between New York City and Columbia County. More of his work can be found in the Berkshire Eagle and on Substack.
The views expressed by commentators are solely those of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of this station or its management.
