Spring has sprung, the crack of the bat is in the air, and the Tri-City Valley Cats are back in Troy with their solid brand of minor league baseball. As a casual fan, I attend four or five Valley Cats games a year and enjoy the cozy stadium, friendly baseball talk, and fine beer choices.
Recently I read that the Valley Cats’ league will change its name next year. The Frontier League is becoming the National Association of Professional Baseball. As a compulsive syllable counter, I find this name change horrendous. For me, fewer syllables are always better. National Association of Professional Baseball? That’s 15 syllables – what a disaster! I’m sure the new league name will be abbreviated to NAPB, but then fans will say, “NAPB -- Isn’t that the Professional Bowling league? Or Police Benevolent? It can’t be baseball.”
My obsession with counting syllables started in fifth grade. A bunch of us learned about the word “antidisestablishmentarianism.” Yup, it was a real word, weighing in at 28 letters. But I chimed in, “Wow – 12 syllables – that’s a mouthful.” Later as a teenager, seeking a lower-syllable life, I wondered: can I write a sensible full paragraph that contains only one-syllable words? Yes, it can be done!
This year I’ve become vice-president of Puff Down. We help companies and colleges shorten their puffed-up job titles and program names. Can you say, “Distinguished Chief Adjunct Professor for the Enlightened Study of Artificial and Non-artificial Intelligence?” I embrace the challenge of the Puff.
High syllable count is the ruin of the legal and academic fields, but I was hoping it wouldn’t ravage baseball. National Association of Professional Baseball – how the heck did we get here? The league commissioner says that the new name is fitting: the league earned a recent bump in status in the baseball world, and its steady expansion includes added teams in Canada, like defending champ Quebec and Ottawa.
At a Valley Cats game, I ran into my friend Ray, who has close ties to the league office, and we spoke about the new name. “Ray, if you’re celebrating those teams from Canada, why is the league called ‘National?’ Based on my latest newsfeed, we still haven’t annexed Canada. But look, Ray -- there’s an easy fix. If you consider Canada a vast, beckoning frontier for new teams, you can go back to using Frontier League. Nice – three syllables!”
Ray left to make a couple of phone calls, then spotted me in the grandstand. “Hey, thanks for your tip on the league name. We’re switching it to the International Association of Professional Baseball. It’s got a nice ring to it!”
What an international disaster! Tipping the scales at 17 syllables, this hefty boy is now the longest-sounding league name in sports history.
Ah, well. Sun is out. Breeze is fine. Beer is cold. Play ball!
Jim Crowe is an Albany writer who has had humor essays in the Albany Times Union and on WAMC.
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